Footballers' Wives The Musical ★★★★★

When Footballers’ Wives exploded onto our television screens in 2002, it put the naughty into the noughties. A high-camp, full-throttle tale of Premier League footballers and their WAGs. Ahead of its time with storylines such as baby swaps, a balloon ride ending in a lion enclosure, a Bad Girls crossover and death by champagne bottle, it raised the bar for OTT British TV drama, and the nation was scandalised.

And now after a long gestation period – workshops, a cast album and pandemic-scuppered plans – Footballers’ Wives The Musical finally debuts at the Fringe. And what can we say: the sass, the scheming and the sauciness are back – and this time, they brought sky-scrapping vocals!

The story, loosely following the first series of the TV show, sees Frank Lazlett, the slippery club chairman of Earls Park football team, secretly signing hot-shot Brazilian striker Salvo, to everyone’s surprise – and putting team captain Jason Turner’s nose right out of joint. There is a confrontation later that night between Frank and Jason that culminates in the captain’s wife, uber-WAG, Tanya Turner, pushing the chairman to his death. Or so they think. When it emerges that he’s only in a coma, she has to scheme to cover his tracks. To tell you more will spoil the deliciously demented rollercoaster ride.

What Footballers’ Wives The Musical does so well is to take that jaw-dropping, binge-worthy lure of the TV original and strut it right onto the stage with irresistible swagger. The 12-strong cast are not only match fit, they are firing on all stilettos.

While Chardonnay Lane and Kyle Pascoe were always the show’s satire on Posh and Becks, here India Chadwick and Tom Bowen wring every last drop of humour out of the dim-but-loved-up tabloid favourites. Chadwick, such a gifted comedy performer, in particular gives one hilarious line read after another, culminating in the iconic “Oh my god, I’m on fire!” (although the stage adaptation veers away from this TV plot with an expectedly meta one-liner). And trust us when we say that the show’s interpretation of their infamous fairytale-themed wedding does not disappoint.

As relative newcomers to the glitzy world of top-flight football, childhood sweethearts Ian (Oliver Evans) and Donna Walmsley (Leesa Tulley) provide the emotional heart of the piece. Strangers to this world of tabloid scrutiny, their relationship is put under stress as never before. Tulley is such a natural performer, finding nuance and stillness amidst the frenzy around her, never more so when delivering Just A Girl Who Loved A Boy, a devastating, poignant ballad tracing what happens when simple dreams get complicated by real life.

But at the centre of the show is Ceili O’Connor‘s extraordinary portrayal of Chief Wag. Following Zöe Lucker’s unforgettable creation (and Alice Fearn’s superb performance on the cast album), O’Connor is an irresistible force of nature as Tanya Turner. Camp, fearsome, funny and fiery, she mesmerises every step of her character’s end-to-end storyline. She is Lady Macbeth to Jason’s Thane of Earls Park, a Mommie Dearest propping up her unpredictable man-child husband (a chilling, bullying Matt Beveridge) who needs every ounce of guile to outmanoeuvre Matt Rixon‘s enjoyably sleazy Frank. It’s impossible not to root for her.

O’Connor’s vocal performance is simply jaw-dropping. Her range, her passion and her meticulous phrasing are a standout of this Fringe. And when she completes her story arc with the soaring, anthemic Unbelievable, you’ll be applauding every feminist note.

What makes Footballers’ Wives The Musical fly are Kath Gotts’ incredible songs. Most musicals have a couple of good tunes – Gotts’ Footballers’ Wives’ soundtrack has song after song that knocks it out the park. The cast deliver flawless harmonies to snare the ear and the heart throughout. From the Latin-infused Let’s Dance, the rock-flavoured Don’t Lose It and the cheesy Fairytales Aren’t Just For Fairies, it’s a seductive slice of original musical theatre.

Leaning into the OTT nature of the material, the eleventh-hour belter Nurse Nightingale offers a showstopping number of such ridiculousness, it would give Busby Berkeley nightmares. Staged with jumbo syringes and sick bowls, Dame Arlene Phillips‘ choreography is perfectly matched to the patient-shagging eponymous character. Gillian Kirkpatrick‘s outrageous Nurse Dunkley milks every mad laugh so consummately that the show may need a lactose-intolerance warning.

Andrzej Goulding‘s set is simple but effective for these Fringe performances. A giant proscenium arch, resembling a neon goalpost, deploys vertical blinds to enact swift scene changes while keeping the stage uncluttered. This is elevated with some judicious video projections offering both exposition and atmosphere.

Footballers’ Wives The Musical is that most British creation: sassy and yet smart, ribald and yet riveting, a satire with soul. Gotts and Chadwick’s giddily indulgent musical allows you to luxuriate in all your guilty pleasures without a circle of shame in sight. The pitch-perfect cast, led by O’Connor, are a dream team: less ‘they shoot, they score’, more ‘they sing, they soar’. As soon as the transfer window opens, don’t be surprised to see this cheekiest of musicals with a West End fixture.